photo: (binkley)
In recognition to the Vampires, Pimps, Leprechauns, and other creatures of the night The Hometown Tourist proudly presents….
Huntington by Night
The Lay of the Land in the Times since the City has Moved On
By Dr. Chase Henderson, M.D., D.D.
This week I write from my zeppelin that encircles the city with a reed upon clay. A new stringent requirement imposed upon all staff writers by our new editor – a living mummy exhumed from early Mesopotamia. I feel this is an unnecessary requirement only introduced so that the editor’s boyfriend a cuneiform translator could land a job. I studied cuneiform as my foreign language when I went to Miskatonic University, but the other staff writers are no so fortunate. I only hope that nothing is lost in the translation. My position in this publication is secured by my tenure so I will say what my colleagues feel they are unable.
In the recent news, a new law was signed in by our city council of which I am a member. This law requires that all bugbears, child-eating kobolds, and cautionary tales sprung to life must register with a list with their current residence that you can look up online. This list was the result of the organization Mothers Against Child Eating or M.A.C.E. as they like to call themselves. I don’t have to remind you of last week’s tragedy against little Susie Mitchell whose thumb was cut off for sucking it by a bugbear, and then devoured by a kobold.
I won’t get into the entire debate about the ethics behind this, but I will recognize that our treaty with the kobolds in exchange for our orphans and street urchins to keep the Deep Ones at bay is a very vital part of this city’s economy. Now the city is not saying that all kobolds violate this pact, but certainly all that violate this pact are kobolds.
As a result of this new legislation families are very concerned by these high numbers, but are confused as to the majority of these addresses. This is perfectly understandable since this city has been slowly dying since the Depression. As a result the city’s borders are in constant shift and time doesn’t work like it should. The purpose of this article is to try and shed some light on this situation in case you may be living these neighborhoods without even knowing it. However, this guide may already be obsolete by the time of publication.
Now we can divide Huntington into two major regions the Inner Realms and the Outer Realms. In the Inner Realms are Downtown, Pullman Square, the University, the Park, and even the Ghetto. These neighborhoods are for the most part stable and are not of our concern in this feature. However, in the Outer Realm wherein lies the Necropolis and the Antique District are more our concern.
I will write (or is carve the better operative verb?) briefly about the Inner Realms for the sake of increased tourism. Downtown is a place where a citizen will go to eat or perhaps even work, but nothing lives here. This is because the downtown area is a movie set left over from the We Are Marshall film. The University is notable, because it is the only portion of the city that seems to be growing by devouring the city’s corpse. Top socio-scientologists prophesize that in one hundred years the entire city will just be Marshall University.
Now the districts of the Outer Realms are far more interesting. The Necropolis north of the University for instance. Here three large cemeteries connect to form the city of the dead surrounded by the village where those who tend it dwell. The village is home to many of the bugbears and kobolds affected by the recent legislation. The under the central mausoleum of the Necropolis lives the largest family of ghouls in all New England. Many vampire clans slumming it share the same space.
Now the Necropolis is a dangerous place to be at night, but not for the reason you think. Sure at night the ghouls and vampires rise, but they soon head into the Downtown area or University hang-outs in search of blood. No, the cemeteries are dangerous at night due to its human visitors such as drug dealers, Goths having sex, and Elves knocking over headstones to collect the precious rupees underneath.
Opposite of the Necropolis, the city of the dead, lays our second neighborhood of interest The Antique District also known as the dead city. In life the Antique District was known as Central City, but the city tragically died over a drug overdose during the 60’s. Accusations were made at Huntington – it was common knowledge that Huntington was the one that sold Central City the dope, but no formal charges were ever brought.
It was not long until the city’s carcass was bloated with antique dealerships, which if you’ve gone to med school like I certainly have then you know that this is the third stage of decay for a city. The antique district is the best place to go if you need to pick up WWII era pornography or a book of Satanic rites. Naturally, this makes the antique district an ideal neighborhood for the bugbears and the kobolds as well as immortals that must do battle with swords for all eternity. Also available is a huge selection of liquor, pimp fluids, and Amish cheeses.
I hope you find this article as interesting to read as I have had writing it. I hope it helps to inform families whether they live in neighborhoods where it is highly likely for their children to be eviscerated and devoured. At least until Huntington moves on again. I raise my glass of port to you, Huntington. Cheers.
If you would like a transcript of Huntington by Night then write your name and address on a 10 x 6 sheet of pig skin ensorcelled on the equinox. Address it to Huntington by Night at the Rhododendron Reader offices. Then deliver the sheet to the devil at the crossroads. He’ll know where to take it.
