photo: (One From RM)
As a service to the Vampire, Werewolves, Sidhe, Mothmen, Pimps, and other supernatural horrors on the threshold that inhabit the majority of our readership we proudly present…
Huntington by Night
by Dr. Rev. Chase Henderson, MD, DD
How To Get that Swimsuit Bod by Summer
(As whispered to me on the darkest of nights by the maddening voices from beyond the spheres.)
Thank you for joining me. I am here in my study sipping absinthe and tenderly watching a font of hellish power as it pours through my fireplace. I grin over looking the city from my zeppelin vantage point. It is here that I retire to write or pursue my studies most arcane in between shifts of shagging interns at Arkham Asylum. Audible sigh, a doctor’s work is never done.
Now it has been some time since the New Years, and I’m sure you started walking everyday. Maybe lifting weights? Perhaps, dipped into bulimia? And I am almost certain that you are not satisfied with the results. The reasons are two-fold. The first being that you are a slave to your ego and will never truly be happy. The second and foremost reason is that being overweight is not a direct result of poor eating and health habits. It’s not your fault.
Let me explain. While our basic needs appear to be oxygen, food, and drink it is in fact far from the truth. Or at least far from the whole story. You see we survive on various elements unseen that reside in our bodies long after we have passed. This is the reason behind the tradition of ‘witch funneling’ by various occult groups in the region. These funnels are placed in the graveyards to collect these elements as they are exhaled from the dead.
But I’ve gone off track. Our air is polluted, yes, but not entirely in the way that you think. Invisible to us are the demons, Gods, Pixies, and other unsoundly spirits from the depths of the Earth that feed on these exhalations. They feed on it and their waste refreshes our spiritual atmosphere again in such a way that resembles trees recycling oxygen. Now this is usually a beneficial symbiotic relationship. However, certain individual’s auras are a delicacy. You see you are not obese as much as you are bloated with demons.
Now the cure is exercise. Western medicine has gotten the name right, but not the correct definition. It’s not exercise as in working out, but exercise as in the medieval rites to drive out the demons. Fasting, intense prayer, self-flogging, and cleansing rituals are all well and good but this is America in the Now. Which also happens to be when problems are solved in America. Now.
With good old American know-how and ignoring all future consequences I’ve distilled these medieval concepts and rituals into fine liquors. Potent liquors that will quickly get you krunk with knowledge and power, but you have to drink it by the shot. Or you’ll die. Of knowledge poisoning and brain failure, because that’s just how potent my informative brews are!
Now here are some fine tips for getting fit by this summer.
• Stop sleeping – These demons enter your body in your sleep so logically if you are not asleep they can’t creep into your dreams and gestate. When you finally do go to sleep you’ll be too tired to dream. Careful, though, more than five days without sleep causes permanent mental damage, which is like candy to demons.
• Spin three times before entering any building – Spinning confuses demons, because it reminds them of tops, which we all know Our Lord used to distract the Fallen Angels. By the time they got back to Heaven, he had already changed the locks. Their buzz was so harshed that they were transformed into the invisible, screaming horrors that hate all life. Tops most of all.
• High sodium diet – Sea salt cleanses areas of tainted elements. So a diet of only salt will purge all demonic infestations and prevent new ones. Drinking eight glasses of water a day allows the body to purge these demons faster. For larger demon concentrations double this dose. To save even more time drink sixteen glasses of sea water a day.
• Seconds at communion – If you’re Catholic always be sure to get seconds at communion. The body and the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ is a wonderful source of protein and demon killing salts. If you’re not Catholic just go to the nearest Catholic Church, and then treat the communion as a buffet. There is nothing they love more. You’ll need all those Christ-nutrients once you’ve been assigned as a concubine to a Goetic King once you’re burning in hell.
• If you’re plagued by the special insulin stealing sprites known as Diabeetus, then you need to purchase a copy of The Maker’s Diet, but reading it or following it is not required. Simply plaster the copy into your wall like I’m sure you’re already going with a copy of the Holy Bibble and a bottle of Jack Daniels. The diabeetus will be compelled to read it and follow the diet. Only the repeat this cycle over and over again each time it falls off the fat wagon. However, it will never plague you again.
Follow these tips and soon you’ll be fit as any linebacker in the Miskatonic Cephalopods.
Dr. Chase Henderson, currently works as the Chief of Medicine at Arkham Asylum the position once held by his mentor Dr. Hubert West. There his responsibilities include playing God, reanimating the dead, and boinking interns as per his Hippocratic Oath. He was recently upgraded to a Super Scientologist after his Operating Thetan level broke the one million mark. He was hailed as a hero for finally brining Xenu to justice with his cane-sword and pathological lying.
