Arkham by Night: My Top Five Hobos

5.Bill Colden

Star of Jocelyn Davis’s The Crack of Noon, “a streampunk romp of pedal copters, mashed corn liquor, and borderline pedophilia.” I personally think this book and its sequels, prequels, and fans are skutz. However, I cannot simply ignore it.

Mostly because I cannot read a book or close my eyes without seeing the movie trailers. Fun Fact: The production of this movie for the longest time was on hiatus due “no one wanted to touch it with a ten foot pole.” Roman Polanski was on retainer to direct, but was unable to due to “work conflicts”. Whoopi Goldberg was credited as Executive Producer.

4.The Hobos of Mansfield Park

Not curently published, but coming soon from my own pen. Another big trend in publishing right now is to dig up Jane Austen’s grave and fondle her. Which is our right now that she is in public domain, and this entitles us to take mock up pictures of her coming out of Hummers with no underwear on.

This is not necessarily a rewrite, but I merely replaced every instance of Henry Crawford with “some filthy hobo.” So suck on it Quark Press you should have known what you were getting into when you decided to become the literary equivalent of a graffiti artist. Also the Steampunk Persuasion is mine too. Hand’s off.

3. Anita Blake: Social Worker

An old favorite with mommy bloggers and cougars, Anita Blake was a hard boiled social worker occasionally called upon to solve a murder. While quoted in her first book “I don’t date hobos, I get them services they need to maintain a  baseline standard of living and get them off the streets”. Her constant contact with the hobo community has eroded their differences.

Now the books are just a series of unrelated scenes of sado-masochistic sex with hobos and their archenemies the Wendigo. Her current love interest is the talking dog the state assigned to her, because she cannot get herself out of bed. This is due to all of the STDs eating away at her body.

2. The Holly Black Modern Hobo series

Better known for her children’s series about hobos The Hodgman Chronicles, she also has a very sexy, young adult series. Her first book in the series really broke out from the pack of other Hobomance novels by revealing that the main character in love with a hobo was in fact a secret hobo from birth.

The second book harkens back to Steinback with hobos living in the NYC subway, doing drugs, and throwing kittens at the B train. Black is noted that she wanted to corrupt the archetype of the Steinback hobo, but keep to its roots of examining the common man and kitten killing.

And hobo numero uno…

1. The Doctor

Still the most famous man in hobo fiction. The role was resurrected after 15 years of silence after David Tennant took up the mantle again. He was a favorite in the old Doctor Who railroad serials and already referred to by fans as “Doctor Alpha”.

The revival came to a surprise to many fans and the BBC when they sat down to watch the premiere of the third series of Spaced. Instead the familiar warbling of the Tardis filled their home until their ears bleed and fifty new episodes of Doctor Who played back to back for three weeks. Sadly, no copies of either broadcast exists. The third series of Spaced was forever lost, but Simon Pegg was “cool with that the cast of Spaced was dispersed as villians throughout the series, but we don’t remember ever filming that.”

Also Christopher Ecclestion denies ever playing the Ninth Doctor claiming that “was Tennant wearing a pair of Ferengi ears.”

Also the BBC denies there was ever an Eighth Doctor. Or a TV movie produced by Fox. And when asked about it executive Producer Russel T Davies screams “Time War! Time War!”, and Cyberman remove you from the premises. I refer, of course, to head writer John T. Cyberman.

About the Author

Herbert West is a graduate of Mistakonic University and completed his residency at Arkham Teaching Hospital and Asylum. He still holds residence there today. Also he is dating Jane Austen.